Suffering with low mood / depression when you have children to remain strong for.
- Katie Walker
- Dec 28, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 4, 2024
Suffering with low mood or depression while caring for children requires considerable strength. If this is you. If this is something you are managing, I see you!
It requires strength, determination, empathy and patience with yourself like no other. It is incomparable. One day you may look back on this time in your life and admire your own qualities as you pushed yourself through this phase.
Initially, there are many versions of help available; Speaking with your doctor; seeking support from friends or family; Counselling either via the NHS or privately; Websites, blogs and helplines. Mental health awareness is becoming less of a stigma (quite right too!) and more widely understood, therefore many platforms of support can be available to you.
Low mood or depression is scary, it isn't experienced by individuals always as we would expect and everyone experiences it very differently.
I will share with you my own story.
A single mum to three neuro-spicy children, six years ago I had suffered a traumatic event and had (at that time) a newborn baby, a daughter (with ADHD, Autism, Sleep Disorder and Anxiety) and a son with Autism and ARFID (Avoidance and restrictive food intake disorder). This was incredibly hard to manage especially with no day off. One day bled into another, which bled into another and it became years of relentlessness.
Slowly but surely all the things that I identified with such as my career, my friends, my hobbies, my finances and my family started to fall away from under me, piece by piece.
It started after my partner of 12 years left and decided to go no contact with the children (nice guy!). Having children with needs and a newborn baby I could not return to work. My career fell from under me. Gone.
This in turn fuelled financial difficulties. No matter what I tried I could not seem to get my working hours back to where they were in order to support my family. This made me feel huge guilt on my children's life experiences and effected my mood. My only identity prior to this life changing aspect was a busy working mum, thriving from being successful and living two lives; One life at work and one life at home.
As my friends children started to grow, they of course returned to work and so slowly daytimes became rather isolated and quite quickly. With the neuro-spicy demands, routines and sensory needs it was impossible for me to join in with friends. Babysitters were not easy to find and keep with such an array of needs at home. My social life and hobbies fell from under me and I started to question whether life really could get any worse.
I remember feeling so lonely and isolated that at times I would find myself with absolutely nothing to say. I was out of practice. I could go days without speaking with another adult.
I removed myself from social media because quite frankly watching everyone else's worlds was entirely unhelpful at this time. This helped my mental health in the long run but in the short term somehow felt like I had willingly isolated myself further.
I used to run a busy fitness business and would be out of the house most evenings teaching fitness and nutrition. I had a large following. I felt like I was a somebody. This was my identity. It made me feel good - helping others achieve their own dreams and goals. I was very motivational. With no baby-sitter I had to change my hours from 10 classes per week to only 1 class per week. This I have managed to sustain. I am grateful. I would suggest that this one class has helped me more than I have helped my customers!
Personally, low mood effected me in ways that were unrecognisable. The thought of the day ahead (routines, tantrums, challenges and expectations) were just too much. I remember many mornings (most actually, for a period of time) not wanting to get out of bed. My daughter has a sleep disorder and so I was already very tired, fuelled on no where near adequate sleep. This was never a good start to the day.
I found myself functioning on auto pilot. Detached from the world around me. Almost robotically moving through the motions without much emotion attached. It also meant that self care for myself such as showering, doing my hair, putting on my make up or generally keeping my space tidy and clutter free never happened. It would be fair to say I didn't even have intention to achieve these things. After all, I never went anywhere or saw anyone so what would be the point.
I did of course at times want to help myself but it was no use. All of the suggestions on websites just were not available to me. Suggestions such as regular sleep patterns (impossible with SEND children). Suggestions such as hobbies and meeting friends (not possible with neuro-spicy routines and no babysitter). Suggestions such as self care ( I wasn't motivated to go through a self care ritual when all I was doing was going to bed).
Of course throughout all these feelings I had three children at home to care for. I am so grateful that this I managed. I did manage to get out of bed, I did manage to help with homework and get the children to clubs etc. I did manage to ensure they had all they needed to thrive but once they were at school, pre school or settled in bed I would return to the shell of a person I was.
One morning I dont know what was different. I hadn't panned for it to be different, but I was so sick and tired of 'life' that I put my youngest son in the pushchair, my daughter on her bike and I just ran. Ran down my road. I had not run in a long time. Honestly, that run saved my mental health. I didn't know it at the time but it improved from that day onwards. I felt exhausted. I felt challenged. I felt free and I slept that night better than I ever had before. The next day I got up and did the same and every day I continued to do the same. Moving from 1 mile up to 6 miles. Suddenly, I started losing weight. I wasn't aiming to lose weight but this started to happen naturally. This felt good. I started to feel in control again. I started to feel joy. It had been a while!
This led to healthy eating regimes and cooking with the children regularly. Furthermore, this then fuelled some HIIT sessions in my kitchen when the children had settled to sleep. Rather than going to bed at 8pm with the children I was choosing to stay up and work out. This then led to having a bath before bed. Fitness and self care had accidentally made it back on the daily list of things to do. Slowly my self esteem and self confidence started to build.
On my runs I started taking pictures of the beach. I opened an instagram account and just posted pictures of my runs. Other runners started following me so I didn't use this page for people that I knew or used to know. I kept it as a pure running page to connect with other runners for tips and advice. It turned into a great page for motivation (by looking at other peoples fitness goals and runs) and also a running journal for myself (to look back over my workouts).
Running may not be for you, it is not for everyone. However, if you can find that one thing that sparks something inside of you, you may be surprised to see the trickle effect it could have on other aspects of your world.
I am sorry I suffered with low mood and depression. I am sorry if you suffer with depression or low mood. Life at times can be overwhelming and throw us off track. Without knowing it though we may be headed towards a better place (we just dont know it yet). Depression and low mood is not something you can just snap out of. It is something that takes time, a lot of time. It is also exhausting to do the work and so progression can have slip backs. Reaching out is always important.
I am sharing incase you are like me and in silence, you are suffering while still trying to remain strong for your children. You are never alone, even though you may feel that you are.
This blog is not intended to make it sound 'easy' to overcome low mood or depression, of course there are many forms of depression and it is certainly far from easy.
I sought weekly counselling and it helped tremendously! You could see which counsellers are local to you.
Try and reach out to someone close to you, alternatively a complete stranger such as Samaritans helpline can be useful. Call Samaritans on 116 123 or check out their free self-help app or online chat at www.samaritans.org
Just know that you are not broken, it is normal for life to go through phases and therefore mental health changes and you are stronger than you know. (I did not feel that I knew this in my darkest times and genuinely felt like I was just broken).
If you are a neuro-spicy parent and you struggle with low mood check out my book 'Different Perspectives, Different Worlds' by Katie Walker, available on Amazon. It is a self help guide to overcoming parental burnout / low mood whilst amongst neuro-spicy routines. Accessible suggestions that work around your family in helping to empower and support you.
Comments