It is so much more than a messy room!

My 13-year-old daughter hasn’t got the skills yet to tidy her room...yet! We are working on it. I know some may roll their eyes and think at nearly 13 years old she absolutely can (SEND parents are used to those eye rolls)!

My daughter has ADHD and AUTISM also SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) and so we don’t live in an ‘age related’ world.  We live in a ‘stage related’ world.  Emily will reach that stage when she’s ready. 

Emily's autism manifests in her meticulous organization of items into labeled boxes, bags, and drawers like 'books', 'art stuff', and 'make up'. However, these neatly arranged compartments only last for 12 hours before everything ends up on her floor, forming what can be described as an "a floordrobe". Emily's ADHD makes it challenging for her to maintain this level of organization and keep things in their designated places. Adhering to her own system of storing items becomes a draining task for her, leading to frequent frustration. The conflict between her autism and ADHD results in Emily often feeling overwhelmed by her inability to cope with clutter and disorder, even when it's a situation of her own making.

Interestingly when her room starts effecting her SPD (sensory processing disorder) and is too messy or cluttered she will indeed change area of the house until that new area becomes too messy. 

On the few occasions she has managed to attempt independent tidying (because she can no longer cope in the mess) she will put everything in a bin bag.  I mean everything. Clothes (clean and dirty); Plates. Cups (the food that was on these plates). Make up. Sensory toys and rubbish all in one bin bag.  This binbag she will then put in my bedroom and ask me to sort it for her while she sits in her clutter free, no longer overwhelming bedroom.  Needless to say this method of tidying her room is not productive nor do I not promote it 😊.

So, what do I do?  I praise her for independently trying but point out why her method is quite difficult for me to sort through.  I ask her to tell me when her room and associated mess is starting to feel overwhelming and ask for my help. I body double her.  I tidy her room for her while she is watching and encourage her to break it down into smaller tasks rather than seeing the big picture of chaos.  For example, I encourage just taking downstairs the cups and then perhaps putting all the rubbish in a bag.  We would then put make up in the right places and pick up dirty clothes.  We are not there yet but I am hoping that by constantly showing her in a calm and collected way that one day she will be able to use these strategies (staying calm and breaking a big task into lots of smaller tasks) in her own tool box one day, independently tidying her room. 

For my daughter it is more than a tidy room. It is setting herself a routine yet not being able to stick to it.  It is wanting a aesthetic, clutter free room but not being able to keep it that way.  It is the frustration with herself that she cannot independently do this.  It is the feeling of frustration when she cant see the smaller tasks and can only see the big chaos.  It is the overwhelm when her sensory overload kicks in and to even walk in her bedroom is too much.

My daughter is 13 years old but she has difficulty managing the clash between AUTISM and ADHD.  This means she’s not yet at the stage of being able to organise herself to complete more than one task at a time. A messy room is more than one task.

If I didn’t see the world through my daughters’ eyes and take the time to understand how ADHD and AUTISM effects everyday tasks I would still be telling her off for not tidying her room and be offering reward and punishments – imagine how much worse that would make things.

If you need support in understanding your child’s diagnosis and how that effects their ability to manage everyday tasks including interventions that can help them please join the support course Breaking Barriers; Building Belief or use the contact me page to see how I can help you and your family. www.send-parenting-balance.com