Emotional Based School Avoidance
- Katie Walker
- Nov 21, 2025
- 5 min read
Firstly, let us not name it school avoidance. This term makes it sound as if children are choosing to avoid school. As if its a choice. Children are actually in overwhelm, burnout, or shut down and have possible anxiety disorders due to the mainstream environment. That is not within their control or what they would choose. These are not choices they are disabilities.
Did you know that I was an attendance officer in a primary school many years ago! Please don't judge me more than I judge myself! I also have a daughter (age 14) that suffered 2 years with EBSA. You could say I have sat both sides of the fence! This can come in handy when understanding EBSA first hand but also understanding the attendance rules.
The school setting for children with ADHD/PDA/ASD is less than ideal. With 32 other students in a class, they face unpredictable noise, behaviors, and energies, along with sensory processing challenges, unpredictable surroundings, the demands of the school day, and social and communication difficulties. Additionally, they often mask their behaviors to fit in with peers, which is overwhelming.
Masking throughout the whole school day for a child is exhauting. It can take twice as long to recover from the initial time in masking. A child can feel like no one understands them within social situations with peers also with other adults. They can lose trust in staff who do not understand masking, possibly struggling with no one to reach out to. The environment therefore does not feel emotionally safe. Imagine being in an environment everyday that you feel you don't fit in - you likely wouldn't want to go either.
Children can also suffer with feeling overwhemed and burnout. Overwhelmed socially; Overwhelmed with masking; Overwhelmed with their internal struggle: Overwhelmed academically; Overwhelmed with the sensory processing of the environments and overwhelmed with associated demands.
These are huge difficulties that cannot be fixed within the 8 week EBSA parent pack that is being handed to parents. The 8 week EBSA pack that comes home from school feels like an insult. A clear indication that school does not understand the impact of EBSA.
The reality is very different and impossible to fix within 8 weeks. If a child has been out of education for some time, realistically it can take up to 18 months to get back into school. We can't push a child back into school too fast or too hard because this will hinder the process and make EBSA worse. We need to gain back the child's trust in the system. Somewhere in all of those emotions they feel let down by a system that doesn't understand their needs. That starts with understanding and validation.
Do not let the pressure from schools force you to take hard parenting approaches to dealing with EBSA. I heard it all in regards to my daughter;
"Bring her in kicking and screaming, we will sort it once she is here".
"Drive her into the carpark and we will have a member of staff of hand to help (with that meltdown)".
"Bring Emily in wearing her Pyjamas, she will soon get changed when she sees her friends".
These suggestions are harming the child and their trust in not only the system, but also now the parent for 'teaming' with the school and not them (the child).
We do not want the child to lose trust in the parent - trusting that you understand the anxieties they are experiencing is the most important factor. It is important you have your child's back in these anxious times.
The EBSA parent meetings and pack sent to parents is reactive to the decline in school attendance and not pro active in understanding needs such as sensory processing disorder, social and communication disorders, autism burnout, pathological demand avoidance and the need for movement breaks.
The EBSA parent pack implies there is a logical problem like a friendship issue or too much homework being issued in science rather than understanding the real reasons EBSA happens to neuro diverse children.
This means the EBSA pack is set to fail.
The real reasons are harder to fix, but to ignore it via no validation or understanding is ignoring the child and parent.
I will always remember attending a school EBSA meeting where I informed three staff members about my child's self-harming. Their response, reflecting their lack of understanding, was that they believed all children would prefer staying in bed over attending school. I questioned whether their reaction would be the same if a staff member had self-harmed—would they still expect them to work the next day, or would the situation be handled differently?
I think we all know the answer.
The problem with EBSA is it can include parental stigma and accuse parents of gentle parenting or parental anxiety when neither are correct. Just deflecting from the real issues in hand. This deflection is not set to help the child therefore is pointless. Please feel free to say that at your next meeting! I have many a times!
EBSA is not a parenting problem it is a neuro diverse difficulty and sending any parent to court due to poor attendance will not change the outcome for the child. If a school uses the phrase 'it is parental responsibility to bring a child to school' ensure you remind them of that fact! It is discrimination at its finest.
So, how can we support children suffering with EBSA:
Validate and genuinely understand.
Initially, work on building up trust between adults and child.
Take your child to costa, take them shopping, to the cinema - whatever it takes to get them out of bed and functioning in the day regardless of non school attendance.
Focus on positive mental health each day rather than school attendnace (in the first two weeks).
Allow children to re intergrate over a long period of time up to 18 months.
There should be zero parental stigma and teamwork between home and school. EBSA can not be supported if this is not the case.
Slow integration at the child's pace with a key worker or small sessions, perhaps in the child's favourite classes such as art or drama is a good start.
Forest school, weekly, to have the freedom and space to figure out who they are - separate from mixing with hundreds of mainstream children.
A key worker to guide support and listen so that the child can build trust in the system again. This key worker needs to be trained in the areas effecting your child (masking, PDA, burnout, SPD, self harm)
The child should be given a coloured card to show to any member of staff, without using their words, to communicate that they wish to leave the classroom and go to a quiet area. This will ensure that the child does not feel trapped and lower their anxiety.
(All too often I have worked with children that wont take that first step to into school because then they are trapped all day and that commitment feels too big ).
Children need to feel that their voice is heard and that their opinion matters ,this will lower their anxiety and feel safe within their surroundings.
We have to build safety first!
If your child suffers with EBSA and you would like someone to discuss this with please do not hesitate to book a session with me.
Click the link below: