Christmas Time & PDA
- Katie Walker
- Oct 31
- 8 min read
Both Christmas and PDA seem to collide, sometimes with real chaos attached.
I have had to drastically change what Christmas looks like in my house and throw out all old traditions and expectations.
This was especially difficult because I personally enjoy the Christmas traditions we previously shared and the associated excitement. Making changes wasn't always an easy choice for me.
Christmas brings extra excitement, and even if you limit this excitement at home, it can still be observed and experienced at school, in communities, in shops, and among family and friends. I try to keep all Christmas discussions to a minimum until at least December.
This is because the excitement interferes with the children's internal sensory processing—interoception. The excitement causes butterflies and changes the sensations in their tummy's, which in their world means they must be sick! This is shortly followed by the children being overstimulated, trying to fidget and run off these feelings, becoming overly hyper. This affects their sleep disorders, making them worse. It also impacts their food and drink intake, because even though I know they are just butterflies, the children perceive it as feeling 'funny' and think they must be 'sick,' leading to a fear of germs.
Telling a child with PDA they are wrong doesn't work very well, so we often need to work through all these emotions with them. Therefore, it's best left until December at the very latest.
My son, aged 8 (ASD/ADHD/PDA) does't like santa or the idea of him in our home so this has been a tradition we have had to change over time. Our Santa has magic dust that creates gifts under the tree - no entrance needed.
My PDA children also prefer high levels of control—opening presents can be overwhelming if there are too many, and the surprise factor is excessive. For my 8-year-old son, he receives a few gifts (a maximum of 5) and knows what they contain. Each year, I wrap each gift in a different color. I attach a printed photo of the gift on an A4 piece of paper, along with the color of its wrapping. This eliminates any guessing. Sometimes he doesn't open all of his presents immediately, and they stay under the tree for a few days, which is perfectly fine.
My daughter, aged 14 (ASD/ADHD/PDA) enjoys lots of gifts but has to only receieve gifts off from her list. When she writes her list, she writes them in order of importance and I buy the most important things off the list. She likes the suprise of guessing which one is in the parcel.
However, my daughter does like to control the day. Timings of when we wake up and do everything. For example:
7am Wake up in Christmas pyjamas. Feel excited.
7:10am Brush teeth. Try and stay focused.
7:15am Put on Christmas music, everyone be happy.
7:20am See what presents are under the tree with soft blanket to snuggle under and a hot chocolate drink that mum makes.
7:30am - 8:30am Open presents and say thank you for presents.
8:30am Put on fake nails that I got for Christmas (on the important list).
This is just a snap shot. It is very detailed and very controlled.
This in itself can be problematic because it is controlling of what my other PDA children need to do (never goes down well) and she gets very upset if she doesn't feel the way she has expected herself to feel (PDA internal demand). As you can imagine this usually leads to meltdown by 8am.
My daughter also gets so very excited early on (November). By the time Christmas is here she is not wanting to do the things that she listed (a combination of Internal and Indirect demands).
Just writing this blog is starting off my own anxiety :) Send strength my way!
We used to visit my mum, who lives ten minutes up the road on Christmas day but in more recent years this just hasn't been possible with all the emotions and control that the children need on this day. So we made some changes;
We now have Christmas at my house. Means I take on all the cooking however, I do also ask family members to bring something (deserts or even the turkey some years!). I also have the grace that if the children are too dysregulated then we will have beans on toast as plan B. This has never happened yet (so far).
The guests need to keep the excitment levels low when they come round. It's very chilled out. Low music (if any). Usually Harry tells me it hurts his ears, if its not his own music!
We don't have the guests stay until late. The evenings can be chilled out with no extra people. The children often want me to body double them all day long. Make this or play with that! I am usually exhausted by 8pm!
We used to play games, but my youngest, who has PDA, is very competitive and struggles with losing. So, we opt for short, simple games that require little attention, where winners earn a point. Throughout the day, the points accumulate, and at the end of the day, the person with the most points wins a prize. These are quick games, like a true or false quiz, balancing a ping pong ball on the bottom of a cup, or playing Uno or Snap. Sometimes, the games involve physical challenges. They're just fun little activities throughout the day to spark joy and laughter. I always ensure that Harry feels like the winner and keep a separate, hidden score sheet for the actual scores. Harry always receives the prize, and I have a backup prize for the real winner, which I give when Harry is busy with the iPad.
I intentionally maintain a clutter-free bedroom, aiming for a ZEN and sensory-friendly environment. This includes soft furnishings, fluffy blankets, gentle lighting, fidget and sensory toys on the bed, a TV set to low volume, and available snacks and drinks. It's a retreat for the children at any time.
There are zero demands on the children to join in with any of it. They don't have to sit at the table for dinner (they likely won't), they don't have to join in with games, they don't have to open presents etc. They can do how ever they please. If it becomes too noisy we quieten. If they become too overwhelmed then the guests leave.
The only plan A that I have is to feed everyone and play a few games. It really is that simple. Some years it has been even simpler - to survive the day with no overwhelm. That is okay too!
This has taken me 7 years to get right. Every year other than last year ended in a complete dysregulated disaster and so you could say that I learned the hard way.
I guess I was trying to keep hold of my own and wider family traditions which actually in the grand scheme of things, really are not important.
When I did attend my mums house on Christmas Day, I always ensured that there was a sensory room avaIlable for the children to escape to whenever they needed. Although that worked when they were younger it became apparent as they got older that they just wanted their own space completely. If you have to travel to see others could you take a pop up tent /den so that your child can escape whenever they feel overwhelmed?
We used to enjoy playing Christmas music, engaging in loud games, and laughing a lot! However, that has become too chaotic and noisy for my children now (unless they are the ones making the noise!), so we have opted for a much calmer, quieter Christmas.
If someone had told me years ago that this is what Christmas would be like, I wouldn't have liked it at all. I would have felt disappointed because I'm naturally a very excitable and lively person (especially during Christmas).
The quieter, calmer Christmases have grown on me. They have their own unique magic. Plus, the children aren't overwhelmed, which means they remain emotionally regulated. Spending Christmas day constantly managing dysregulated behaviors and expectations from extended family members is not an enjoyable way to spend the day!
The first step is to be aware how the traditions and expectations can be demanding and upsetting to children with PDA.
Strict timings.
Routine Change.
Rushing to fit everything and everyone in.
Different food options/smells.
Dress Code
Sensory Sensitivities to lights and sounds.
Social Anxiety.
Parents/carers being busy.
Unpredictability of routine, surprises, people or events.
How can you help?
If you are not sure then ask your child how would they like Christmas day to be?
What can you do to make their day easier?
Be a team.
Reduce uncertainty and overload by giving them control.
Give them autonomy.
Redesign Christmas to suit your household.
Throw out expectations from wider family members.
Remember traditions can feel like demands to children with PDA.
Be aware of masking and how this can impact anxiety/emotional dysregulation later on.
If you are stuck on how to approacht this Christmas day - I can help! Book onto the PDA family support session and we can talk through different startegies and ideas that may suit your family. We can create a plan together!
Within this session you will also receive advice on;
What PDA is.
What internal, indirect and direct demands are.
How these impact a child's anxiety/behaviour.
What equalising is and how it impacts a child's anxiety/behaviours.
How you can plan your Christmas making adaptations to suit PDA.
For those that understand PDA but perhaps not equalising. Equalising is:
A strong sense of fairness and desire to resist ‘perceived’ control by someone else.
Children may challenge authority figures, resist hierarchies and demand equal treatment compared to siblings/others/adults.
This perceived unfairness can trigger intense anxiety, leading to equalising behaviours.
These equalising behaviours may be done to ‘level the playing field’ so to speak. To regain a sense of safety and emotional balance.
Resisting the behaviour of equalising can actually make it worse and make the child fixate more.
This need for control will feel and look as if it can override all other basic needs.
How can Equalising Manifest?
Verbal Equalising:
Taking control of interaction.
Contradicting or correcting others.
Nonsense Phrases or joking.
Changing topics rapidly.
Asking an overwhelming number of questions.
Physical Equalising:
Invading personal space.
Disorganising items (even if the child is being ‘kind’ and ‘helping’).
Throwing/Hiding/Breaking things.
Touching/Licking/Tickling.
Controlling where others can go/what they wear/what they do.
Aggression/Bullying.
Internal Equalising:
Skin picking/ Hair Pulling.
Destroying own possessions.
Negative Self Talk.
Self-harm / Self deprivation.
How many out of 15 does your child have?
Click the link to book your PDA Family Support session
If you have already completed the PDA family support session but wish to discuss a particular behaviour or routine (including Christmas) please book onto the SEND Parent Support session instead.
PDA and EBSA (Emotional Based School Avoidance) can sometimes go hand in hand (not always!) and so if your child suffers with EBSA - find help here!
I worked within schools with attendance issues professionally and personally, I am a mum of a 14 year old who suffered with EBSA for 12 months.
PDA is by far one of the most challenging diagnosis to work alongside positively. It can create burnout in parents (often!). If you need to offload your own worries and concerns. If you want to talk to someone regarding your own mental health. Your own frustrations then click the link below.
This is a safe space to be real. No mask required.
Don't forget to find me at www.send-parenting-balance.com
Love this - thank you x
:)