It is not your fault! (ADHD/ASD/PDA)

I will say it a bit louder for all those at the back of the room, it is not your fault.

It does not matter what you have tried, what you have not; It does not matter if you are rich or winging it, month by month (this is me); It does not matter how educated or uneducated you are. It does not matter whether you work or stay home. Mental health has no predudices and no matter how hard you try you can not fix or get rid of autism, ADHD, PDA or any other associted mental health diagnosis. Why? Because it is not what you are doing that controls whether or not your child has ASD/ADHD/PDA or other associated mental health difficulties. It is not your fault.

Of course, society would have you believe that it may be your parenting, but that's a lie. That is society's way of pushing the problem under the rug. The lack of understanding and support for your neuro-diverse family as the problem. It is cheaper to blame your parenting. It is cheaper to constantly tell you it is not a school problem but definitely an isolated home problem. It is not your fault.

For years, I held myself accountable and searched for solutions.

I am a parent to three neuro-spicy children. I adopt this term at their preference, as it allows all of us to identify with it and feel united as a team, avoiding any sense of exclusion or 'weirdness' (as they put it) between siblings. I would never want to label them as 'the autistic one' or 'the one with ADHD'. Neuro-spicy is the perfect fit for us.

While I never managed to pinpoint a specific cause for ASD/ADHD/PDA, I excelled at attributing blame to the behaviours associated with their diagnosis. For instance, I frequently made excuses like 'he is tired today' or 'it's a girl thing' to rationalize their actions. Why did I do this? Because if the root cause was Autism/ADHD or PDA, then somehow it felt like my fault.

I would attribute it to the breakup with my ex-partner (the children's father). The messy breakup could have caused trauma, and that would be on me. Maybe it was the wrong choice of school, which would also be my responsibility. Or perhaps our living situation in a small house without a large backyard was to blame, and naturally, that would be my fault. However, constantly seeking blame in their behaviours and ultimately blaming myself was unproductive because, in reality, it was not my fault.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago a really tough question about ASD/ADHD/PDA and whether if I could would I change it? Please remember this is about my own situation, my own children and their own levels of ASD/ADHD/PDA. My answer....I would change society.

There is actually a lot of beauty in these diagnosis and lots of strengths but they are rarely seen or valued because they are not 'mainstream'. I believe that the difficulties lie not in the diagnosis itself (in my own case) but in the way it is viewed by others and the support this country can offer.

When I stopped searching for a scapegoat, which was often myself; When I ceased resisting it or attempting to repair it; When I refrained from participating in discussions about 'the rise of autism' and 'we never saw it back in my time'; When I put an end to all of this, I discovered that life became somewhat simpler.

Life then became about acceptance. Accepting ADHD/ASD/PDA for exactly what it is and working alongside it with interventions that reduced the difficulties that were arising day to day, sometimes moment by moment. Understanding that it is not my fault.

Society tends to shift blame onto individuals.

It's possible that you've had a meeting with the home school link worker concerning your child, during which they delved into your financial situation, whether you receive benefits, whether you're a single parent, and the state of your relationship. Subsequently, in a meeting about your child's needs, you may have been repeatedly reminded that ensuring homework is done and your child arrives at school on time is solely your responsibility as a parent.

You might have also met with the SENCO, who claims not to witness any of the behaviors you've described at school, placing the blame on your home environment. It's likely that you've sought help from the early help hub support worker, only to be tasked with keeping a 'star chart' detailing your income, anxiety or depression levels, and disclosing any relationship difficulties you've faced, as adverse childhood experiences could be a concern.

You could be facing a court date due to school attendance issues or fines to pay, despite prioritizing your child's sleep needs during these challenging times. Instead of receiving the home support you need, you might find yourself facing a social worker who scrutinizes your family, leading to increased anxiety in your children, more meltdowns, tougher parenting, and a series of meetings assessing your parenting abilities.

As I write this, I ponder how many of you have encountered all these scenarios, as it's not an uncommon experience.

Is there any wonder at all we blame ourselves? I would suggest society is doing an amazing job of delivering parental blame.

It is not okay that ADHD/ASD/PDA is not understood by society. It is not okay that you have recieved parental blame and it is not okay to feel less than you are.

You are truely incredible! You fight battles each day that no one else could possibly understand. The level of patience, resilience, kindness, flexibility and love you have as a parent for your child is outstanding.

You are not to blame....You are not to blame....You are not to blame!

I will say it a bit louder for all those at the back of the room, it is not your fault.

Katie x