How did I increase my child's feelings of self worth?

Children with AUTISM/ADHD/PDA can sense energy within the room.  They can be experts and hyper sensitive to body language, tone of voice and body behaviours in general. This is part of having a sensory processing disorder, This in turn can mean a child is always walking on egg shells in new environments (particularly a school environment) when with lots of people. 

In every new social setting whether it be a classroom (if this is secondary school this means a new class every hour) or with a large group of friends this means that the child needs to read the energy, the body language, facial expressions, body behaviours and tone of voice before being able to feel safe or confident.  This is why a lot of children with AUTISM/ADHD/PDA tend to find having one or two friends easier.  One or two friends means energy and behaviours are more predictable, therefore, the child can feel safer quicker and of course be their confident, authentic selves. 

Due to this hyper sensitivity you can imagine how much more children with neuro - spicy tendencies may compare to others.  They may question their own input to these conversations.

Did I respond in the right way? 

Did I say anything silly? 

Is my hair the same as the other girls?

Everyone else has white trainers on, I have blue ones on. I like my blue ones but maybe I should ask mum for some white ones? 

I saw someone being bullied yesterday I dont want that to happen to me.  I heard it was because someone looked at someone else funny, perhaps I need to think about how I look at people.  Perhaps I shouldn’t stare at people. 

Even though I know the answer to the question my teacher is asking, I wont put my hand up. This teacher shouted at another student yesterday, I would hate that to be me.

If you are hyper sensitive to your surroundings you will most likely be hyper sensitive to yourself and your own reactions, therefore, showing as low self esteem and confidence.  This heightened arousal within social settings cannot be switched off, however it can be quietened.

I have a friend with autism who will often message me screen shots of messages between her and a friend to ask me whether her messages seem normal, not too pushy or talking too much about herself.  Her coping strategy is to seek help and advice from a trusted few people in her life.

Autism and comparing often goes hand in hand unfortunately. The comparison between other friends, siblings, environments and social media can be unrealistic and yet their whole world.  This in turn will affect self esteem. This can be linked with their own self identity.  For many reasons, some of which we have discussed, finding their own self identity and understanding who they are in comparison to others and their environment is very difficult.

So what can we do to help? Let's brainstorm some different ideas! Ideas I do with my children that have a great outcome on increasing self worth and self esteem.

A home environment that is open and supportive of difference is incredibly powerful.  I often talk about my own quirks and we laugh about them together, in a loving and kind way. We will point out each others quirks in a loving and kind way because we accept difference. We understand autism and ADHD and we can speak openly about the conditions.  For example we will use phrases like 'ah ha that’ll be that adhd how can I help?' So we dont use the diagnosis or label as an excuse, nor do we let it hinder us, we speak of it in a way that encourages challenge and creativity.

Praise is powerful too.  Now if you have a child with PDA this may be difficult, therefore, you may have to do it from a distance.  With my son (who does not like praise) I put all of his certificates on the fridge and all of those torn up drawings (because of his own perfectionist expectations) that he disliked I take out of the trash, sellotape back together and put on the fridge.  I dont say a word about them.  He knows they’re there, as do I .  He knows I’m praising him in my own non direct way.  I have a HARRY wall and its all things harry, to make it less cringe for him I also put photos of days out of us on there too so it can be a wall that he too likes to look at.  Having these happy photos on the wall encourages him to remember the happy and fun times for when he’s feeling les confident.

At bedtime I say three things I love, in a non direct way.  I do it with my 13 year old too.  At bed time, in a non direct way, when I am putting toys away or getting PJs out the drawer. i say three things that I loved about the day. There is no eye contact, I do not expect a response, so its not seen as awkward.

'I loved the choice of T. shirt today - orange really suits you!'

'I just wanted to say thank you for popping your cup in the sink earlier today, that saved my legs from going upstairs again.' 

'I loved the way you shared your chocolate button with your sister today, that must of been hard - I would have wanted to have eaten them all!'

These phrases help to embed that they are an awesome person and they are valued.

Encouragement is a fine line, between reading your childs tolerance to your input and how much you can encourage.  I always place a little encouragement on attending social events but use a safety blanket approach, offering that my daughter can text at any awkward social situation and I can try and help unpick it via message while she is out.  I also encourage communication between the two of us by staying in her space, offering lots of opportunities to talk. I do this by texting throughout the day lots of emojis or sometimes sitting in her space on her bed with her, even with nothing to say, just being in her space.  

Sometimes I will use social situations I have had myself that I have found awkward or I have said the wrong thing to start a conversation going.  I will use this example sort of as a social story to get a conversation going.

Focusing on childrens strengths and talents, including special interests can be really helpful in building self esteem and genuinely sharing an interest with them.  My daughter loves to sing and I have told her one day she should be a song writer and we should publish her songs!

Modelling confidence, a can do attitude and sharing whoops moments with your child can help them understand that getting it wrong is okay, it is something that can be talked about without shame and with a smile.

If we want children to have high self esteem and confidence in trying new things and speaking their mind then we need to ensure we are not discipling them when they make wrong choices, to find their voice and who they are is a journey not to be controlled by the adult but to be supported.

Journalling for older children, guided journaling with daily affirmations such as I am brave, I am kind. Alternatively, listing three things that happened that made someone else smile today are really good ways to connect with a child, helping them learn about their own emotions.

Building a sense of belonging can hugely effect self esteem and this can be done by attending a group, whether that be an individual hobby like horse riding or animal care or a group setting like a home education socialisation group or after school activity.  If your child is not eager to leave the house could you start your very own cake making or lego building club starting with just you and your child? You could then invite a friend in to join and see it grow at your childs pace.

If your child is into fashion design can you be their biggest supporter and allow them to deign outfits for teddy for example and sell them online. 

If they write stories, could you print off their story into a book so they can see the finished article. 

If they love photography can you put together a photo calendar and give as xmas gifts.  If a child is into cooking can you take baked cakes to the local homeless shelter or macmillan cake morning. 

If your child is into drama can they join the local drama class and set up a social media acting page. 

If your child loves singing can they write their own songs and you record them and send to family members. 

If they are great at building lego, can. You build a lego village, take lots of pictures and send them into school. 

Are they great at art, can you ask them to design and paint all of the cups in your house because you love their creativity and want to show it off. 

How can you encourage and be their biggest supporter alongside their special interests.  These special interests can provide a great tool in building their self esteem and feeling a sense of achievement.

Having a friend can really help feelings of self esteem and self worth, how can you help with a friendship?  With my children a friendship has been heavily facilitated by patient parents who understand neuro diversity so that any clashes or difficulties can be sorted rather than caused too much stress between adults.  Friendships are always encouraged and I prioritise friendships as much as possible.

When building self esteem in education I always ask staff to make the work too easy at occasions.  Allow the child a chance to accomplish and feel proud and safe in knowing that they know. This feels good, this can build self esteem and confidence.  Pushing and challenging children all the time is not helpful on self confidence.

I appreciate home education does not suit everyone but when I started home educating my daughter she developed self esteem, self confidence and self belief.  I believe this was because learning is within stages and not ages.  Classes are mixed ages, based on ability which meant she could be in a lower class in which she could achieve in and be with older and younger children.  The comparison therefore, against children her own age fell away. 

Home educated children are authentically themselves in a way that they dont need to mask to fit mainstream children.  They are no longer needing to be worried about the Nike coat or the Air Max trainers. The pressure has gone, children wear what they want and everyone respects each others diversity and style.  Its incredible.

Home educated children focus on their special interests and even just attending a class in the first place is celebrated so these children's cups are being poured into all day long with praise and encouragement so much that they cant wait to return.

Finally, within home education classes they are free to be themselves, if they have an idea it is celebrated by the whole class and staff, no answer is ever a wrong answer.   Because of this environment, children very quickly feel safe in their own voice and body behaviours without the need to compare against others.

Have you tried anything at home that worked? Feel free to leave it in the comments for others to see and try themselves. SEND parents are always stronger together!

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